In Memoriam

There are many different opinions about when a life really begins.  For us, it began each time we got confirmation that Angelique was pregnant via blood test results.  Actually, it began before that as we had embryos that were transferred back into her, and those embryos were a symbol of our union and commitment to creating life.  Those embryos had the potential to become a baby.

I wanted to take a moment to remember the embryos that we lost over the course of our 7.5 year journey to have children.  They don’t have names, but their impact on our lives has been profound.  The simple fact of the matter is that we will never forget them.  When our time on this planet is done, one day we will meet them all – they are very much a part of the Cave Family.

As I look at the pics of them, I’m reminded of each attempt.  Yesterday, I went in to the blood lab at Kaiser to have some blood work done, and I was instantly reminded of our time at the clinic as the automatic doors whisked open and I breathed in that familiar hospital smell.  You see, Angelique had to have A LOT of blood drawn.  Whether it was checking her estrogen or progesterone levels, or giving a blood sample to determine if she was pregnant or not, we were there quite often.  The lab technicians knew our faces, and we developed a relationship with a few of them.  They were genuinely concerned about the outcome of each of our attempts.

I don’t know how many boys and girls there would have been out of all of the embryos pictured above. I do know that most of them took initially and all of them tried to continue on, but for reasons unknown to us didn’t, or couldn’t.  We would usually transfer two embryos at a time to give ourselves decent odds at having at least one baby.  In the one picture above where there are 3 embryos in the same image, we actually put all three in, but one had stopped growing prior to transfer.  We threw it in because we didn’t want the embryo to feel left out of the process 🙂

No, we did not plant a rose bush in our back yard commemorating each loss.  I tucked these pictures away and tried my hardest not to look at them.  You do what you have to do to cope with a loss.  After we found success, it wasn’t a problem for me to pull them out and reflect on what could have been.  Apparently it just wasn’t the right time.  But that’s all behind us now, and we’ve got 3 miracles keeping us busy now.

I just wanted to carve out a space on this blog for Michaela, Emma and Christopher’s brothers and sisters – after all, they played a huge role in helping us achieve our dreams of having a family.

Love,

Mom and Dad

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